Monthly Archive: January, 2007

Here’s another one of those emails that everyone sends to everyone, this time to me from my friend, Virginia Fish.

Who writes this stuff? Who are these people who just nail it? Is there a blog with just this stuff featured?

My personal response to the list: I don’t do #1. I end it by just stopping. I don’t say anything. I let him have the last word. Which seems like he would then “win” but interestingly he doesn’t. I do. Try it. It’s fun.

Also, in my house, #2 is reversed. He’s the slow one.

And I don’t do #6 either. When I say “okay,” it’s really okay because, unless for some reason I’m temporarily nuts, I don’t really care enough to bother with getting even. I trust in karma to do the job.

Except for #7, these are all fighting words and, when I’m up for fighting, they’re right on. But I’m only like this with extreme low blood sugar and fatigue or raging hormones. Which happens.

Words Women Use:

1. FINE: This is the word a woman uses to end an argument when she is right and you need to shut up.

2. FIVE MINUTES: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. NOTHING: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with “nothing” usually end in “fine.”

4. GO AHEAD: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

5. LOUD SIGH: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of “nothing.”)

6. THAT’S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. THANKS: A woman is thanking you: do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome.

8. WHATEVER: Is a women’s way of saying F@!K YOU!

9. DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT, I GOT IT: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man’s asking “what’s wrong.” For the woman’s response refer to # 3..

Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology. Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know its true.

My daughter Molly was on The Apprentice for a few brief moments on Sunday night, her 26th birthday was on Monday, and then on Tuesday I spotted a blog post by 26-year-old Maegan Carberry on Huffington Post’s Fearless Voices.

Molly was an expert that helped one of The Apprentice teams design a swimwear line. Molly designs swimwear for Trina Turk and Rampage. She has been designing for Local Motion and that job has now gone to her recently promoted assistant. Her friends work as film production assistants, as newly graduated attorneys, as university instructors on their way toward professorships, as researchers in corporations, as editors for print media.

After reading Meagan’s post, Help Prevent Quarterlife Crises before They Start, I had to reply. My friends with daughters and I (all of us with shaved armpits) have talked–with guilt– about what we have done: Reared girls to continually make the grade, go to the best schools, get the best careers, meet the best men, expect to marry and have children and buy the house and at the same time, exercise, eat right, keep their values in tact, save and invest money, look good, consider the planet and the disadvantaged, and get into nature. What have we done?

Meagan’s post begins:

Sometimes smart girls do the dumbest things.

We date sub-par men, we cower from asserting ourselves at work, we eat carrots all day and chug Vodka Red Bulls at night, we spend our last $100 on BCBG shoes and we base our self-esteems on highly precarious societal messages that peg us as US Weekly-obsessed fembots sleeping our way through aging frat dudes to lives of BMWs, nannies and Botox.

But I’m starting to think that our worst crime is failing to accept ourselves and just enjoy life in the moment.

My comment in reply is:

You are running on urban myths, much of it buzz created by a new industry of self-help gurus. You are also asking all the right questions. We boomers broke down the old roles and rules. Your generation is developing and beta testing a new way of life. You are on the right track.

Risking guru-ness, here are a few tips:

Re: sub-par men. You date “sub-par” men. You marry the one “par” man.

Re: self esteem and accepting yourself. Why should you feel good about or accept an overworking, stressed out self? Questioning yourself is appropriate!

Re: enjoying the moment. When you are hungry, tired, under exercised, and worried, forget “being in the moment.” It’s time to focus on the basics: food, sleep, exercise, laundry, more time to yourself.

Re: deciphering the mixed signals of men. Socially, a man is either into you or he isn’t. If he isn’t, you’ll get mixed signals. At work, get your basic needs met so that you can focus on what you value. When you get your priorities straight, you’ll draw clear boundaries. Saying “yes,” “no,” and even “I don’t know” clearly will help men get their signals straight.

Re: work, fashion, and your aspirations. 60-hour workweeks, the BCBG shoes, and going out all night may be fashionable and fun but, of course, it’s not sustainable. Right now, after spending your weeks with people who are often doing the opposite of bonding, you need to bond and to compare experiences with your friends. Together you are forming up what you want and what you don’t want in your lives for your generation.

Re: mindset. Sometimes your “mindset” isn’t set. During times of intense growth, we experience chaotic thinking until our brains reorder everything to a new levels of understanding. It’s a natural, creative process.

Re: the future. You are a pioneer in a big social design space. Clear values underlie your questions. I have every confidence in your ability to create a meaningful life.

Molly doesn’t want a pressured, corporate, commuting, suburban life. The Trump glitz (and that combover!) grosses her out. With the same focus and healthy self-doubt that she puts into designing those little pieces of fabric, she’s designing her way through her life. She’s learning what she wants and what she doesn’t want. Eventually with a man, with the same intelligence and creativity, she will design her marriage and her family. I can’t wait to see what’s coming next.

In Arianna Huffington’s Fearless Voices site, in a blog entry titled “Happiness Is. . .”, Anastasia Goodstein writes about The N. Y. Times Magazine article “Happiness 101″ on Martin Seligman’s positive psychology. She questions psychoanalysis and a bit less so, psychotherapy, and then she cringes at, although supports, David Lynch’s efforts at getting TM into the schools.

“Happiness 101″ describes Seligman’s intentions to teach happiness in high schools to “restore ‘wholeness’ to the teenage years” and to convey “sense of certainty” that the 60s took away. Is that “sense of certainty” what made movies like “Rebel without a Cause” and “Peyton Place” blockbusters? When Betty Friedan interviewed women in their homes in the 50s she found a “problem with no name,” not June Cleaver. And ‘wholeness’ is not a feeling that people in transition, whether teens, mothers of toddlers, or new-to-retirement boomers, experience. Read the rest »

Seth Godin’s Hard Work blog entry compares “one” to “or and the other” in business: Getting and MBA/Keeping your promises. Policies/Judgment. Offering the lowest rate for a cell phone/Not tricking customers with a bait and switch. He’s so good!

I immediately ripped off his formatting and applied it to love and relationships: Read the rest »

Gabriella Boston’s December 31st Washington Times article, ‘For Better or Worse’ Takes Work, appeared on Diane Sollee’s smartmarriages.com newsletter on January 3. A number of marriage educators (Kuhlman, Arp, Gottman) and marriage education advocate Diane Sollee were interviewed for the article.

The article is well-written and well-researched and I respect Ms. Boston’s reporting, but as a systems thinker, life coach, and wife (for 31 years), I challenge its conclusions about marriage. Commitment to marriage and a lot of work are not the keys to a high-quality, lasting marriage. Read the rest »