Monthly Archive: April, 2007

A recent NY Times article, Mommy Books: More Buzz than Buyers, discusses how books on working vs. stay-at-home mothers aren’t selling as well as their blog attention and media publicity would lead everyone to believe they would.

Why I don’t buy mommy books:
* I don’t buy one concept books any more. For this post, I read a blog post and a Huffington Post article (”Stay at Home Mom: A Sucker?” and “Women Who Stay at Home May Be Making a Big Mistake”) about the book and got the gist.
* Stay at home vs work is old news. It is a matter of circumstance, necessity, creativity, choice, one’s own nature, economics, on and on, and it’s all changing all the time. What we need are better design skills so that we can consciously create our own lives in our own unique ways in response to our own natures and circumstances.
* Buy a book that just describes my life? I know my life. It’s not that interesting. I share enough with my friends both in person and virtually to know I’m not alone. Unless the author’s as funny as Irma Bombeck (my mother’s generation’s wise comic relief–where’s our Irma Bombeck?!), no thanks.

But the real reason I won’t buy the book: It doesn’t get to the essence of the problem.

Working or not working, child or childless, single or married, life is a design space. I hope that instead of just discussing issues like working/staying home, women begin to talk about the process of and skills for creating a life where tradition is gone.

Our chaotic transitional society requires skills and ways of thinking that we can’t get from our parents or our expensive universities. As Robert Kegan says in In Over Our Heads: The Mental Demands of Modern Life, “The curriculum is under development and the qualifications for expertise are questionable.”

The Great Turning has begun. A shiff from using up the world to sustaining the world is required. Work and life that’s not focused at least in part on those values is beginning to feel very wrong.

Discussions about working vs. staying at home seem off the mark. The discussion really is: Am I driven by need or driven by my highest values? How can I make sure, in my life, that the answer is the second?

Here’s what I wish someone had written for me 25 years ago:

A pediatric anesthesiologist complained about how her surgeon husband never helped with the child and around the house, that she was doing all the work. His response to her frustration and anger was, “Chill out.”

My first thought: “No fair! What an insensitive jerk!”

My second thought was more respectful: “He has it figured out. He’s a good manager.” A great sales manager is on the golf course with his biggest clients while his team is doing the work.

This husband’s got it made. He doesn’t want to waste his few hours off doing dishes. Why should he? He has people for those kinds of jobs. It’s getting done.

Infuriating for her, but you can see his logic. It’s time for Ms. Doc to become an even better manager.

Here are some suggestions for turning this whole thing around:

Ms. Doc’s Approach #1:
Say, “I really miss the time we used to spend together. I have such a list running around my head of things to get done that I just can’t get physical any more. I don’t even want sex. It’s terrible. Can you help me figure this out?” Then really listen. Take the time to figure it out with him.

Why this approach?

• Too much work = no sex. She’s got his interest now.
• She remembers how they used to really have fun together and who doesn’t want to get back to that? She opens up a bit.
• She’s asks him not to listen to her complaints but to help her solve problems. Guys like to solve problems.
• She’s not bossing him around or nagging him to do something. Running the house by herself is a power trip. She’s giving up the power trip.
• Even though she knows more about how to get the kids and house in order, she might get surprised at his very different and creative response.
• She’s being female to his all-knowing male. Okay, that’s weird. But it’s nature. Going with it a bit pays off.

Ms. Doc’s Approach #2:
She really does need to “chill out.” No problem. It’s time for her to spend her hard-earned money to go to Europe or to her best friend’s city or to a retreat center or to an art course somewhere far away for at least 2 or 3 weeks and leave him with the child and housework.

Then she shouldn’t do the laundry in advance, put extra food into the fridge, or line up help. The child won’t starve and the house will probably be still standing when she gets back.

This is not about getting even. This is a gift. This is his opportunity to experience what she does every day.

He’ll get a feel for and appreciate what she does. She’ll probably find that he’s perfectly capable of handling more than she thought he could. They’ll both get a fresh start for a new stage in their marriage.

On LA’s CBS News this evening there was a Special Report on Men Are Easy!! Yay!!

I want to post the video but all I can figure out is how to post the link to the video. Here it is:
http://www.cbs2.com/video/?id=38356@kcbs.dayport.com

The producer of this segment did a great job!

Okay, it wasn’t breakfast with him, technically. We all had breakfast and His Holiness the Dali Lama showed up. It was at the local lama’s house in his yard.

500 people attended but it felt like 100. We sat in the stade of the trees and the Dali Lama arrived to speak on the back porch of the lama’s house, decorated with the orange, red, blue, green mandala paintings and curtains. The Secret Service in suits and shades was strategically in place. The local Maui Police swat team surrounded the perimeter.

He is the sweetest man who laughs at his own jokes. After doing the Tibetan hands together, bow thing, he happily waved hello and goodbye.

His message (my interpretation, of course):

Happiness and good feelings show that we are open and we see the world more clearly.
Anger, fear, and forms of unhappiness are destructive emotions. In those states of mind, our thinking is distorted.

We all have periods of low moods and distorted thinking. Through our own suffering we learn compassion for others.

He also said to stick with your religion and to learn from others.

I felt so blessed.

I’m home, finally, after a month on the road. 21 television appearances in 11 cities, a cruise for my mother’s 80th birthday, and an unexpected funeral. My web site’s in a sorry state and I haven’t blogged in ages.

What should I write about? How a committed quality life with a partner is not only possible but can even be interesting and inspiring? How a partner who does very little while the other seems to do it all is actually the better manager–and how to improve your management skills if you are the overdo-er? How to travel very well, alone or with a partner? How to recognize and shift out of the adrenaline life style? The problem with The Secret and also how to reason through any other pop advice that comes your way? How a systems view of love differs from the standard view?

Or should I blog about my work life and the book tour?

Or, better yet, do you have a question that I can tackle?