Monthly Archive: June, 2007

In his recent blog post Shawn has a new theory: You should marry the right divorce partner. He also said:

“The important thing to consider is that love is an ideal thing and marriage is a real thing, and that the confusion of the real and the ideal, never goes unpunished.”

Shawn’s right, but I’m going to take this last sentence apart to make his theory stronger.

1. Marriage is real, but it’s not a “thing,” it’s something you DO. I’m “marrying” in any given moment. I’m not “in a bad marriage,” I’m “marrying” poorly. I may be in a mess, but I’m creating it. So, I have a choice: I can either struggle in the mess, or I can open up and play around with different ways of doing things.
2. Love is real too: it is the feeling connected to the free flow of energy/information/matter between people. Want more? Open up!
3. It’s the space between the “real” (everyday marriage, life) and the “ideal” (love, the feeling) that can get scary for people. But, again, you have a choice: You can see it as a stressful thing–that ebb and flow of love. Or, you can see it as a design space, where change can–and does–happen. A space where you can learn to bring love back.

Confusion about love and marriage is rampant, and Shawn is right again: It never goes unpunished. The good news is that you can sort it out pretty simply:

confusion → stress → junk thinking → poor communication (or good communication of junk thinking) + fear of loss of love → marriage problems

The secret is to step back from confusion and stress. Get curious. Not angry. Not confused.

When you get fearless, creative, and ask with real openness, “What is going on?” you become the right divorce partner.

But then… What fool would want to divorce you?!

This Week: Focus on that design space. The space between the real (where you are), and the ideal (where you want to be). Play in it. Get curious about it.

Want more love? Want more fun? Want more time? Get curious. Just wondering how will make a world of difference.

Check out Chapter 8, “Don’t Work at It”, for tips on designing a great life — on purpose.

A few days ago, I met Joe, a good-looking, hard-working, heartbroken guy. He told me he was engaged and the wedding was supposed to be this month, but that his fiancé, Susan, had broken up with him. She said it was because he couldn’t “communicate.”

Poor guy. Expressive, confused, and deeply upset, he asked, “What did she mean, I couldn’t communicate?”

(He seemed to be communicating quite well to me!)

Guys get a bad rap. They’re continually accused of not communicating when, really, they are. Consider for a moment: When you don’t (or won’t) involve yourself in someone else’s attempt to communicate, you’re communicating. When you blow someone off because you don’t feel like answering, you’re communicating. When you clam up because you have no clue what to say, you’re communicating.

In the case of Joe and Susan, I’m going to make some big leaps, some assumptions:

A big wedding → Susan is stressed → Joe’s not → Susan thinks Joe doesn’t realize the importance of what she’s saying and doing → Joe thinks that the guest list / flowers / wedding party / presents / etc. are not that big of a deal to get stressed over → Susan worries that this is a sign of things to come: that Joe is going to be unsupportive → Joe thinks someone’s got to hold it together amidst all this chaos – he’ll be the rock → Susan thinks he just doesn’t get it – she’s not going to marry someone so insensitive.

I’m not saying I know all the ins and outs of Susan and Joe’s relationship, but I do know that most women (myself included) will talk things out for hours. Most men, however, simply don’t work that way—they tend towards a more direct, problem-solving approach. Too often, we try to impose our exploratory communication style on men, and too often, it creates a mess.

The Problem: When you are stressed, your thinking is junk. Negative thoughts race around in your head, and you don’t get the right feedback for making decisions. You’re less able to see other perspectives, and “communication” is stunted.

The Tip: This week, when you’re upset or disagree with someone—be it your spouse, coworker, or child—consider how that person could be right.

This is a way to open your mind… You may find how he/she IS right. You may see that you’re BOTH right and that there’s another way to think about it. Regardless, you will probably find ways to respond more clearly.

You might be surprised at how quickly—and how well—you’re communicating (in essence, by doing—and saying—very little).

Want to learn more? Check out Chapter 5: You Can Change Him – The “You’re Right” Tweak

Whenever I think about how difficult things are for people now, I remind myself of the past and how difficult it was then. This morning I woke up thinking about how our lives may not be perfect but I wouldn’t go back to my mother’s time for anything. Here’s what I came up with about life with the Beaver:

•    All clothing was either cotton and had to be starched and ironed, or it was scratchy wool.
Shoes needed to be polished.

•    TV dinners were the remarkable new fast food. Canned peas, spinach, and green beans were the rage. All bread was white and fluffy. A big slab of meat was the luxury food.

•    No dental floss meant periodontal disease your entire adult life and dentures in your 40s. Teeth were yellow. Braces were fully metal.

•    Women washed their hair once a week and slept in rollers. Men oiled their hair.

•    Car emissions were black. There were no seatbelts or car seats.

•    Cigarettes were smoked in restaurants, movie theaters, airplanes, cars, and bedrooms. Ashtrays were next to all seats.

•    Birth control, sex toys, and lubricants were junk or nonexistent. Seventeen magazine was supported by formula and diaper ads. The average number of children in a family was over three.

•    Heart attacks and high blood pressure meant time to slow down and expect early death.

•    A real man drank and held his liquor. Abuse and alcoholism were character flaws that you brought on yourself and best kept in the family.

•    God help you if you were an artist, a person of color or loved a person of color, an uppity woman, a person with different gender preferences, or married to a miserable jerk.

This morning I’m counting my blessings.