Marrying the Right Divorce Partner

In his recent blog post Shawn has a new theory: You should marry the right divorce partner. He also said:

“The important thing to consider is that love is an ideal thing and marriage is a real thing, and that the confusion of the real and the ideal, never goes unpunished.”

Shawn’s right, but I’m going to take this last sentence apart to make his theory stronger.

1. Marriage is real, but it’s not a “thing,” it’s something you DO. I’m “marrying” in any given moment. I’m not “in a bad marriage,” I’m “marrying” poorly. I may be in a mess, but I’m creating it. So, I have a choice: I can either struggle in the mess, or I can open up and play around with different ways of doing things.
2. Love is real too: it is the feeling connected to the free flow of energy/information/matter between people. Want more? Open up!
3. It’s the space between the “real” (everyday marriage, life) and the “ideal” (love, the feeling) that can get scary for people. But, again, you have a choice: You can see it as a stressful thing–that ebb and flow of love. Or, you can see it as a design space, where change can–and does–happen. A space where you can learn to bring love back.

Confusion about love and marriage is rampant, and Shawn is right again: It never goes unpunished. The good news is that you can sort it out pretty simply:

confusion → stress → junk thinking → poor communication (or good communication of junk thinking) + fear of loss of love → marriage problems

The secret is to step back from confusion and stress. Get curious. Not angry. Not confused.

When you get fearless, creative, and ask with real openness, “What is going on?” you become the right divorce partner.

But then… What fool would want to divorce you?!

This Week: Focus on that design space. The space between the real (where you are), and the ideal (where you want to be). Play in it. Get curious about it.

Want more love? Want more fun? Want more time? Get curious. Just wondering how will make a world of difference.

Check out Chapter 8, “Don’t Work at It”, for tips on designing a great life — on purpose.