Yesterday a friend asked me if my book has anything in it about relationships with men of different cultures. She has been divorced for a few years and has recently begun dating a Congolese.
Wow. That’s a cultural difference. What an interesting experience it must be!
The question of the week: What are the secrets to dating someone from an entirely different culture?
The question expands to all relationships:
- What do you do when you are attracted and at first it’s good, but then strange expectations and misunderstandings pop up?
- What do you do if you think that you might not be compatible but you hate to break up because there’s something special between you?
- What if you are married but just not compatible any more?
My first thought: Forget compatibility. Give up expecting to agree, expecting to see things the same way, and expecting to be in sync all the time with anyone. Here’s why:
- We’re all different. We each live in separate realities. My best friend’s world is very different from mine and the way we look at the world is very different, but we are still best friends.
- Men and women are different, with completely different orientations to the world. The longer you live with someone, the more you see it.
- We all come from different families and backgrounds with different experiences.
- Even when you are married, over time you are each hit with different responsibilities and different experiences and grow at different rates and in different ways at different times.
The secret: Get curious, not angry, when the unexpected pops up.
If together you can get beyond your cultural, family, and personal backgrounds and beyond your expectations and assumptions about way things should be, then you are on the right track. If you can deeply appreciate each other and enjoy figuring out your lives together, then maybe you’re a match.
If you’re married and once had all that, chances are pretty good that you can get back to that closeness again.
If you’re dating and you can’t seem to get to that level, whether he’s Congolese or the guy next door, learn from the experience and move on.
Does that make sense?
You can read more about compatibility and lifestyle design in Chapter 8, “Don’t Work at It” in Men Are Easy.
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I think that with patience and openness, there is tolerance that pops out. Those two elements are the secret ingredients for any successful relationships.
There will always be differences that will clash between two people; cultural level, lifestyle, religious even libido.
At the end, it always works out.
Yes! Patience and openness. Another good blog topic. Thanks!