The Quarterlife Crisis and Ugly Coats

Classic quarterlife, or any time of life, transition. You think life is one way. Then it isn’t. You shed the old. Go through a bit of chaos. Then emerge to a new level of “getting it.”

I asked Peggy, who’s 26, to open Men Are Easy to any page and point. She emailed, “I got the Ugly Coat story and it was so apropos for me that I kind of got on a roll.” Wow. Here’s more:

I’ve started a new job, and, for the first time in a long time, I feel like I’m actually living my life. Life as I somehow always sensed it was supposed to be.

This started me thinking about “The Ugly Coat Story” in Chapter 3. Intellectually, I understood the metaphor. It made complete sense: we arm ourselves against the things that are out of our control. We fabricate systems and carry out routines that help us classify and process our day-to-day interactions with other people, our work, our lives. And it works for a while. We’re comfortable, living in our comfort zone, content and without stress. Or so we imagine. Then, out of the blue, something comes along that we didn’t prepare for, and suddenly, rather than protecting us, the coat becomes a burden. It weighs us down, disabling our ability to adapt to the change. It firms its grip on us (and we on it), and like a strongly rooted tree in a storm, we tip over.

A mixed metaphor. I love it!

Quitting my safe job and going for an unknown new career has been one of the hardest things I’ve done. It’s required a level of faith in myself that I’ve never invested before: faith that I do know what is best for me, that I do have all that I need, and that my choices have the capacity to improve my life.

Before, I’d been so beaten down by my job, by stress, by the cultural expectations of what I “should” do and what I “should” want, that I’d lost all perspective. I had no sense of the toll it was taking on my life. I hadn’t come up for a breath of fresh air in 2 1/2 years — and I didn’t even realize it. Only now, after taking a moment to reflect on the leaps and bounds I’ve made in so little time, do I realize that this is how it’s supposed to be! THIS IS. What I left behind isn’t the norm — nor should it be. And a part of me is embarrassed that I allowed it to be for so long.

A classic statement. Looking back you wonder how you could be so stupid. It’s a sure sign that you’re in a higher level of consciousness. Get used to it. If you’re really learning, it keeps coming!

All the depression/stress/anger seems so much more manageable now. I don’t even need my coat anymore. (And, believe me, mine was/is heavy.)

Whew.

And the thing that’s been most surprising — and encouraging — is the way others are responding, too. Everyone I see seems to comment on how great I look, or how much happier I seem. I haven’t had a night out in 3 weeks, where a man hasn’t asked for my number. It’s uncanny!

We have to give the guys credit. They really do go more for soul than looks. They just aren’t good at mining for it. (The metaphors are flying!)

Fundamentally, I really haven’t changed. I’m the same person I’ve always been — only smarter. I stand up straighter, smile more, and am more ready to speak my mind. I do have everything I need. And people take notice. I’m playing more, without the fear that I might break something. I’m treating my life like a rubber ball, not a glass figurine. It’s durable, dynamic, and the momentum can take it in any number of directions.

Of course, the irony now is, with all this at my fingertips, I am scared. Each day I struggle not to fall back into my old behaviors. Being this open makes me more vulnerable — that’s why I had my Ugly Coat in the first place. I just have to keep reminding myself that this is what life is about: a time to play, to remember the rubber ball and be fearless. To think less, act more.

Ah, yes. The old and familiar negative, confused thinking pops up. But now it’s just a little reminder to wake up and look around, not a way of life.

I watch girls work so hard in high school, then go to very good universities, and then go to work. Too often it’s crash-and-burn hours, pay that you don’t want to give up, the old pressure to get As in everything. But then, if you’re lucky, you discover that it doesn’t have to be like this at all. Work can be rewarding. People can be fun. Stress really is something that you can leave at the door. Go Peggy!