Life is Messy
By Lynn Rasmussen in Happiness/Mental health, Lifestyle Design, Personal Evolution/Life Transition | Comments (1)
A post this week from Peggy, 26, who shares an apartment with my daughter and works at myspace.com
I used to try to plan everything. Make lists. Following them the letter. Anticipate outcomes. Everything that we’re taught from childhood about dealing with our lives.
In this manner, I toiled away at life, constantly worried I was making mistakes. Analyzing every potential move, and stressing when things went wrong. To make a dentist appointment, I’d consult my boss’ schedule and pick the most unobtrusive day and time — at least a month out. Inevitably, my dentist would cancel or my boss’ plans would change, and I’d end up having to wait another month for a “convenient” appointment or just going whenever there was an opening. Either way, someone would lose (usually me).
So much of my energy was spent making the perfect plans, and it always seemed to go to waste. It was unbearable. My life was pure and utter chaos.
What had I done wrong? The question plagued me. There was no order, and I had no idea where to begin to make sense of myself, my life, anything.
Finally, I gave up. My life was just too messy to be fixed.
But then, a strange thing happened: As soon as I let go of everything, it became easier somehow. So what if I couldn’t make everything right? Maybe there was no right. Or, maybe chaos and mess was right. Either way, just this understanding made it all more manageable — and actually kind of fun!
Now, each obstacle (from dentist appointments to buying a new car, changing careers, and having to find a new apartment) is just a small thing. Something to be dealt with, but not worried about. By letting things just “hang out,” they gained buoyancy. I take things as they come. I expect less, but somehow get more. My preconceptions have been replaced by my experiences. And even the “bad” ones have their upside… eventually.
LIFE IS MESSY.
It has taken me years to realize this, not to mention accept it. It’s a rare day that goes by when everything goes exactly as planned. And, really, even those days don’t happen perfectly. So, I just accepted it, and began to expect the chaos.
Why? Because chaos is a GOOD THING! It helps us live creatively, and without complacency.
Chaos is the reminder that, even when we’re at a loss, we are in control. Our old ways of doing things weren’t working, and we haven’t quite figured out the new ways yet. Enter the mess, the chaos, the uncertainty. But don’t stress about it — enjoy it. It’s all part of our creative process. It’s all part of living…
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Peggy, if you’re interested in entering the research into systems science — as you know that Lynn is — you might consider a distinction between chaos and types of order.
I coauthored a research paper on “Negotiated Order in Network-Form Organizations”, where we elaborated on David Hawk’s ideas around legal order (i.e. rules) and negotiated order (i.e. dealing with the situation at the time at happens, rather than pre-arranging rules).
The example from Anselm Strauss was in an emergency room in the south side of Chicago. An emergency room works a lot on negotiated order — they deal with cases as they come through, and roles are defined according to whoever is on call, and available. This isn’t chaos, it’s dealing with the world situationally.
Planning is a form of legal order. (I’d actually prefer to call it rule-based order, but David Hawk would probably argue with “laws” of nature). When we over-plan, we miss opportunities that we see along the way.
I’ve learned over the past decade to leave more room for negotiated order. This wasn’t my natural behaviour, but I’ve now become comfortable with the slight sense of disorientation from taking the chance, and having to be alert to the world.