How Can I Learn to Trust Him?

I got this email a couple of days ago:

Hi, just started reading your book and hoping to put it into practice. Recently got back with my husband after splitting up for about a year, he moved in with another woman & admitted to a previous affair when our daughter was only 1. Any tips on how I can learn to trust him? I’m doing ok but find myself thinking negative thoughts about nearly everything he does or says. Also not convinced he is not still in contact with the woman he moved in with as he is very guarded with his mobile phone!

Here’s my advice:

How can you expect to trust him when he’s burned you twice and he’s being squirrelly about his cell? However, he is with you, not the other woman, and you have a daughter together.

Maybe he thrives on the thrill of affairs or maybe he needs a deeper connection with you.

He’s on probation right now.

Focus on yourself and your life for a while. Take very good care of yourself and your needs. Eat well, exercise, organize your home, clean out your closets, eliminate stress at work, get your money in order, and care for your daughter. Increase the quality of your life.

Say to him clearly and without anger, “If this marriage is going to work, I have to take care of myself right now. I’m not so sure about you yet.”

With your basic needs met, it’s easier to outline what you want in a relationship. When you have it straight and can be very clear, tell him: “I require honesty. I require connection.” Or whatever you determine you want. Then, be the change you want to see. Get honest. Connect.

There’s risk to this. He may want what you want or he may not. Maybe he isn’t the man for you for the long run. Maybe he is. In the process of being open and clear, you will learn about him, yourself, and your marriage.

You don’t have to do this alone. A very good marriage and family counselor can help you both through these difficult times. Don’t be afraid to shop around until you find someone who feels right.

You’re asking the right questions! Keep us all posted!