Category Archive for About Men/Women

Living in Hawaii, I see vacationing (read: honeymooning) couples all the time — at the beach, the drugstore, restaurants. While it used to surprise me, I’m now accustomed to seeing the same scenes play out over and over. Like this one:

In the K-Mart check-out line, I see a 20-something tourist, undoubtedly a bride, nagging at her husband. She was on task, a basket of last-minute gifts for friends and family back home on her arm. They were a block from the airport. She was stressing. He was spaced out.

Under her breath, a woman next to me quipped, “Guess the honeymoon’s over.”

It’s scenes like this one that inspired me to write Men Are Easy… As I watched the young woman rush out the door with her husband in tow, I wanted to say:

The more irritated you get, the more distracted he’ll get.

Guys shut down when you get emotionally negative. They can’t help it. Under stress, women want to bond and help, but men are built to fight or fly. A man tends to escape into his cave. You’re not going to get what you need if he’s in hiding.

Lighten up.

Take a cue from how guys talk to each other. They joke around about the most serious subjects. They keep it simple. If you lighten up, he may hear what you are saying and see how lame he’s being — and you didn’t even have to try!

Get proactive.

Talk out a plan before you go anywhere, particularly when in a time crunch. It will help focus both of you and maybe even keep him out of the electronics department.

Eat.

Those honeymooners probably just needed lunch. I hope that she grabbed some cashews on her way out. Low blood sugar after the last beach swim, packing, and driving to the airport will make any loving couple look like they’re on the road to divorce.

Yesterday a friend asked me if my book has anything in it about relationships with men of different cultures. She has been divorced for a few years and has recently begun dating a Congolese.

Wow. That’s a cultural difference. What an interesting experience it must be!
The question of the week: What are the secrets to dating someone from an entirely different culture?

The question expands to all relationships:

• What do you do when you are attracted and at first it’s good, but then strange expectations and misunderstandings pop up?
• What do you do if you think that you might not be compatible but you hate to break up because there’s something special between you?
• What if you are married but just not compatible any more?

My first thought: Forget compatibility. Give up expecting to agree, expecting to see things the same way, and expecting to be in sync all the time with anyone. Here’s why:

1. We’re all different. We each live in separate realities. My best friend’s world is very different from mine and the way we look at the world is very different, but we are still best friends.
2. Men and women are different, with completely different orientations to the world. The longer you live with someone, the more you see it.
3. We all come from different families and backgrounds with different experiences.
4. Even when you are married, over time you are each hit with different responsibilities and different experiences and grow at different rates and in different ways at different times.

The secret: Get curious, not angry, when the unexpected pops up.

If together you can get beyond your cultural, family, and personal backgrounds and beyond your expectations and assumptions about way things should be, then you are on the right track. If you can deeply appreciate each other and enjoy figuring out your lives together, then maybe you’re a match.
If you’re married and once had all that, chances are pretty good that you can get back to that closeness again.

If you’re dating and you can’t seem to get to that level, whether he’s Congolese or the guy next door, learn from the experience and move on.

Does that make sense?
You can read more about compatibility and lifestyle design in Chapter 8, “Don’t Work at It” in Men Are Easy.

In his recent blog post Shawn has a new theory: You should marry the right divorce partner. He also said:

“The important thing to consider is that love is an ideal thing and marriage is a real thing, and that the confusion of the real and the ideal, never goes unpunished.”

Shawn’s right, but I’m going to take this last sentence apart to make his theory stronger.

1. Marriage is real, but it’s not a “thing,” it’s something you DO. I’m “marrying” in any given moment. I’m not “in a bad marriage,” I’m “marrying” poorly. I may be in a mess, but I’m creating it. So, I have a choice: I can either struggle in the mess, or I can open up and play around with different ways of doing things.
2. Love is real too: it is the feeling connected to the free flow of energy/information/matter between people. Want more? Open up!
3. It’s the space between the “real” (everyday marriage, life) and the “ideal” (love, the feeling) that can get scary for people. But, again, you have a choice: You can see it as a stressful thing–that ebb and flow of love. Or, you can see it as a design space, where change can–and does–happen. A space where you can learn to bring love back.

Confusion about love and marriage is rampant, and Shawn is right again: It never goes unpunished. The good news is that you can sort it out pretty simply:

confusion → stress → junk thinking → poor communication (or good communication of junk thinking) + fear of loss of love → marriage problems

The secret is to step back from confusion and stress. Get curious. Not angry. Not confused.

When you get fearless, creative, and ask with real openness, “What is going on?” you become the right divorce partner.

But then… What fool would want to divorce you?!

This Week: Focus on that design space. The space between the real (where you are), and the ideal (where you want to be). Play in it. Get curious about it.

Want more love? Want more fun? Want more time? Get curious. Just wondering how will make a world of difference.

Check out Chapter 8, “Don’t Work at It”, for tips on designing a great life — on purpose.

More evidence that Men Are Easy works:

My friend worked out of town through the weekend. Her husband was home, moping a bit that he hadn’t come with her. When she got home, there was no food in the house for people or dogs.

Old scenario:

“Why didn’t you go to the store? I’ve been working all weekend and all you do is blah blah blah. . .”

He checks out.

Hungry and grumpy, she goes shopping.

New scenario:

“Oh my. No food? No dog food? Oh, well. I’m going to take a bath.”

He thinks, “Oh shit. All we have is chips and beer. She’s been working all weekend and I’ve been laying around.” Lightbulb! “I’ll go get some food!”

She gets a bath and dinner, the dogs get fed, and everyone’s happy.

Maui News Columnist (retired last week!) Liz Jaynes-Brown, Mayor Charmaine Tavares, and I are on a panel for a symposium this evening at 7 p.m. at Seabury Hall in Makawao here on Maui.

When I was asked to be part of a panel to discuss “Where Is Feminism?” my first thought was, “I love this question.”

These are the five questions that we will be responding to at the beginning of the symposium:

1)   From your perspective, what is feminism?
2)   Do women have an unequal position in society or is it just that they operate in a different social, political, and economic spheres?
3)   To what extent should feminist issues be involved in policy decisions?
4)   Do you feel that feminism has constructed or deconstructed, America’s family values?
5)   Should abortion rulings be based on equal rights for all?

I’m preparing my responses this afternoon.

What are your thoughts?