Category Archive for Happiness/Mental health

Earlier this week, I ran across Stephan Miller’s blog post, “What To Do When You Forget What Romance Is” on the smartmarriage.com newsletter. He writes about how he’s sweating it, working nights and weekends, caring for the kids, never making enough, making the wrong moves.

I love [my wife] and she loves me. We both know that. But the nights of me staying up late to get a handle on work and the weekends of telling the kids, “No, daddy has to get some work done,” has done some damage to this love. I have forgotten how to bring it back.. .Plus I am paranoid. One bad day of sales and I’m Chicken Little. The next day, I spend even more time here with this stupid machine.

Oh, God. I so remember those years.

Does she understand? Yes. Do I understand what all this has done to her and to us? I tell her I do, but I am slow to learn. She is a much more patient, trusting, understanding person than I am. . .

You have to read her comment to his blog. It’s so sweet. She’s taken her older friend Juanita’s advice to expect the bad times. She blows off the “work at it” approach and goes with a “this too shall pass” philosophy. No matter how much he worries, her response is, “It’s okay. Go for it. You’re fine.”

She’s not trying to change him. She’s not on him about needing or wanting more. She appreciates his work and encourages him to keep going. She’s fine.

She knows the secret: If you just take care of yourself reasonably well and if you appreciate him for who he is and what he does, then you’ll have the ability to say the right thing. Then you’re able to speak, not from fear or anger, but from the heart and from a good feeling.

And look how he responds: “Love you too baby.”

Ah. . .

Now that’s romance.

Martin Seligman’s happiness movement, “Positive Psychology,” is popping up everywhere: Learn to think positively and optimistically, and you will experience health.Of course, Dr. Seligman is absolutely right, and his ideas are wonderful:

1. Consciously raising your mood opens your mind and expands your perspective to new possibilities.
2. Creating health is an improvement over simply treating illness.
3. You feel good when you do good for others.

But the problem is:

1. You can’t feel good when your work, health, time, money, and relationships are a mess, and you have no framework or simple process for improving it all.
2. You can’t be happy when your life is not aligned with your values, or when life has hit you so hard that you don’t even know what you value any more.
3. You can’t effectively help others if you haven’t first cared reasonably well for yourself.

Tradition has evaporated. A quagmire of so-called “expert advice” has replaced it. There’s so much to figure out in a day!

Stress is a wakeup call. When I feel it, I do the laundry and file papers. I work on what Coach U calls my “personal foundation.” When I clear the small stuff and free up my head, the big problems either go away or they become just another design challenge.

When it gets bad, I call my girlfriends. Nancy will always put it into perspective with a laugh. She always reminds me of what I know already: Happiness is only one thought away.

A post this week from Peggy, 26, who shares an apartment with my daughter and works at myspace.com

I used to try to plan everything. Make lists. Following them the letter. Anticipate outcomes. Everything that we’re taught from childhood about dealing with our lives.

In this manner, I toiled away at life, constantly worried I was making mistakes. Analyzing every potential move, and stressing when things went wrong. To make a dentist appointment, I’d consult my boss’ schedule and pick the most unobtrusive day and time — at least a month out. Inevitably, my dentist would cancel or my boss’ plans would change, and I’d end up having to wait another month for a “convenient” appointment or just going whenever there was an opening. Either way, someone would lose (usually me).

So much of my energy was spent making the perfect plans, and it always seemed to go to waste. It was unbearable. My life was pure and utter chaos.

What had I done wrong? The question plagued me. There was no order, and I had no idea where to begin to make sense of myself, my life, anything.

Finally, I gave up. My life was just too messy to be fixed.

But then, a strange thing happened: As soon as I let go of everything, it became easier somehow. So what if I couldn’t make everything right? Maybe there was no right. Or, maybe chaos and mess was right. Either way, just this understanding made it all more manageable — and actually kind of fun!

Now, each obstacle (from dentist appointments to buying a new car, changing careers, and having to find a new apartment) is just a small thing. Something to be dealt with, but not worried about. By letting things just “hang out,” they gained buoyancy. I take things as they come. I expect less, but somehow get more. My preconceptions have been replaced by my experiences. And even the “bad” ones have their upside… eventually.

LIFE IS MESSY.

It has taken me years to realize this, not to mention accept it. It’s a rare day that goes by when everything goes exactly as planned. And, really, even those days don’t happen perfectly. So, I just accepted it, and began to expect the chaos.

Why? Because chaos is a GOOD THING! It helps us live creatively, and without complacency.

Chaos is the reminder that, even when we’re at a loss, we are in control. Our old ways of doing things weren’t working, and we haven’t quite figured out the new ways yet. Enter the mess, the chaos, the uncertainty. But don’t stress about it — enjoy it. It’s all part of our creative process. It’s all part of living…

Last week I got an email from David Ing asking if the incoherency of my last blog entry was due to the same jet lag that he was experiencing. We had just been in Tokyo for the annual International Society for the Systems Sciences meeting.

I took a look at that entry again and he’s right. (I love it that someone as cool as David is not only reading it but cares enough to critique it!) I wrote about what too many middle schoolers experience and then tried to tack on midlife crisis and every other crisis. What a mess. So here’s a rewrite:

There are times in life when nothing seems right. Early adolescence is one of those times and it’s heartbreaking that we’re putting our kids into systems that make it all worse.

On Tuesday teacher and blogger Dan Brown in Huffington Post told why New York’s mayor is completely off track in his approach to middle school improvement:

Rather than making school a nurturing and personal experience, kids, as early as kindergarten, are jammed into overcrowded classrooms, denied support services like fundamental skills tutoring, denied much-needed counseling, and are supervised by administrators more worried about test scores than their real needs. It’s no wonder that they “stop doing what you tell them to do,” as the mayor says. Bloomberg is blaming the victims here.

Here are 10 more reasons why middle school kids’ scores drop:
1. Loss of sense of self.

Just when they need people around them who know them, to give them a sense of belonging and connectedness, sixth and seventh graders are put into massive schools, into multiple classes, with teachers who may have over 100 kids/day.

2. Leslie Ritter.

In 1963, when I was happy enough with my saddle shoes, little cotton dress, and new lunchbox, Leslie Ritter showed up for the first day of sixth grade at Berryessa School with ratted, hair-sprayed hair, eye makeup, and pale, almost white lipstick, a tight skirt, and shaved tan legs. Leslie Ritter changed the rules and upped the ante. Life shifted for us all.

3. 8 times 7.

Just ask any kid having real problems with math, reading, or writing. That child never mastered the basics and then is expected to perform and are graded for poor performance. Far too many intelligent-enough children dread school every day, feeling stupid, losing hope. The more they worry about it, the harder it is to learn. It’s a private, stress-filled hell that compounds in middle school and then there’s. . .

4. Homework hell.

Slammed with daily homework since kindergarten, kids expect to get even more now. Gone is any hope
of time to themselves, of rest, freedom, the creative time to run wild, to experience nature, to explore life together.

5. Reorganizing brains.

A feeling of chaos and confusion comes with the reorganization of a childhood brain and the building of an adolescent brain, all accompanied by hormonal storms. It’s a creative process, not a breakdown. No one’s telling them that. But then major life transitions are poorly understood at every life stage in this culture.

6. Lack of sleep.

Kids get up as early as 6 a.m. to catch the bus for school. Often they can’t sleep until after 10 p.m. because of their biological clocks or because they have so much homework or because they’ve spent so much time doing video games or on the phone with friends. They need 10 hours of sleep to feel normal but Saturday morning they are roused out of bed for chores or sports. They can be accused of laziness and bad attitudes when their problem is fatigue.

7. Malnutrition.

They aren’t hungry at 7 a.m. (those biological clocks again) and rely on snacks–sugar and caffeine–at 10. Many drink sodas instead of milk and too many don’t have protein until noon. Dinner isn’t until after sports after a long day at school. They’re starving. And often overweight because of this cycle–They fuel up their malnourished, starving bodies with junk.

8. Too much cynicism and hyperactivity.
Where are the ideals? The dreams? The visions of a good, clean life? Where’s the Beaver and the Cleavers?
9. Recreational drugs.

Finally, some relief to all this. A vacation from the mess of their brains and their lives. A vacation from the brass band blasting in their heads.

10. Chaotic, demanding schools.

School could be a safe haven from the mess of life. A place of refuge for poor and disadvantaged children, for children from angry, crazy households. But too often it’s the opposite.

Oh, lots of kids are doing just fine. But far too many aren’t. It breaks my heart.

Sometimes nothing’s right.

Work is wrong. Love is messed up or nonexistent. Life is not what it’s supposed to be.

You might be in a college that you thought was right for you, finding that nothing is right anymore. You don’t know your major. You don’t know who you are anymore, and no one else does either.

You might be out of college, well-into the working world, doing a job that you thought you’d love, but finding it’s harder and more stressful than it should be. You feel like you’re watching your miserable life stretch out before you.

You might be having babies, slammed with doing it all, and feeling that your man and your career aren’t at all what you want anymore. Suddenly, they no longer fit your values or your priorities — whatever they are.

Or maybe the kids have flown, your money is not at all where you’d hoped it would be, and your relationship no longer feeds you.

It’s transition time again. Once so sure of yourself, you’re stumbling around like an adolescent. You’re supposed to be an adult, a pillar of the community, together and smart like everyone else seems to be, but you feel lost and unsure.
Here’s my take on it:

1. This is a good thing.
2. So what if you don’t know yourself? Your “self” is growing. Losing track of yourself is part of living life. It’s these changes in our thought processes that define who we are — and who we will be.
3. Stop volunteering. Focus on yourself first.
4. Welcome chaos.
5. Step back from fear.
6. You’re changing your relationships to your relationships.
7. Forgive everyone. You begin to see that everyone’s on a continuum of struggle. Everyone’s doing the best he or she can.
8. Add joy. Do simple things to make your day good. Take a bath instead of a shower. Put on music. Clean out a closet. Play with your child. Pack dinner up and take it to a park.
9. If you’ve mixed drugs and/or alcohol into this, get help.

Remember, nothing in life is more true or real than change. It WILL happen. Change is life, crisis is part of all change, and sometimes it can suck.

Play with it.

Explore the opportunities. True, change is not for sissies, but the result can be a great gift — perhaps a life you’ve never imagined. Take it in stride, and use this time to learn more about your self.

For more thoughts, see Chapter 9: “When It All Goes Wrong”