Category Archive for Lifestyle Design

I keep hearing about the second Oprah show with Elizabeth Gilbert. Women are finding their places of peace in their homes. Women are making pilgrimages to Italy, India, and Indonesia. My friend Nancy wants her hair to be like Elizabeth’s. But Eat Pray Love is not the first about a woman finding her way.

Years ago a friend gave me Anne Morrow Lindbergh’s book, Gift from the Sea. First published in 1955, it is about the importance of taking time for contemplation and creativity within and in spite of marriage and family.

When our children were small, I left them with my over-working husband and moved into our newly-remodeled rental. I had one futon, my grandmother’s quilt, a bed lamp, and one chair that I moved out to the porch. Done with my construction projects by noon, I sat in that chair for hours. I stared at clouds. I slept. I ate cottage cheese, fresh tomatoes, and cucumbers. My only book was Gift from the Sea.

A month later I moved back home, much healthier, rested, clear, ready to take on the new phase of our life.

My actions could be interpreted as selfish. That’s the comment about Eat Pray Love that one mommy blogger had. But for me that month was a survival move. My husband connected more deeply to our children and home. That time healed us both.

I recently read that depression and anxiety are found in higher rates among disadvantaged people. Anne Lindbergh was an aviator, an author, and mother of five, but she had people to clean, cook, and take care of the children. She and I had spare houses and accommodating husbands.

I flash back to my mother, who had five children and no extra house. When I was a teenager, I once noticed that she was washing dishes alone in the dark kitchen.  In a fit of guilt, I asked if she wanted help. She carefully folded the dish towel, placed it on the counter, turned to me, and said, “Lynn, this is the only time that I have time to myself. Leave me alone.”

These days I find asylum in writing, in walking with girlfriends, in just cleaning out a closet. Selfish? Never. It’s all about taking the time in order to give.

My husband Rick/Dick and I saw Across the Universe at the movies the other night and I was struck with how very free–tortured, but free–those kids were. It was the 60s in the height of the drug years and escalaltion of the Vietnam War and the protests. They were struggling but they were struggling together. They were experimenting but they were growing. I was reminded about how it was to be young and broke again. The highs. The lows.

And I think of how it’s different now.

We fought against “The Establishment.” Kids now are the establishment and are not comfortable in it. They are changing it from the inside out. They are networked and they appreciate design. They don’t like management. They are self-motivated and they want to be guided by collectively-held values. They don’t like the constraint of roles and rules. They want to make up their own roles and rules, as they go.

We jumped into our lovelives and marriages. Young adults now are scared and tentative, worried about commitment and their futures and getting everything right. And then, when they do make the big decision, their weddings are huge fairy tale productions, girls dressed up like princesses, moving toward a Perfect Day which can only be a letdown when the Perfect Man fails to live up to the standards of the Perfect Life.

We just had our babies. Oh, with some thought into home vs. hospital births, breastfeeding, cloth vs. the new throwaway diapers–we even took childbirth classes. My mom came to help out with my first one and she really did help me. For women now, it’s a major research project. And their lists of dos and don’ts overwhelm me.

This is a generation of women who as girls were on the soccer field, who made high scores all the way through school, who are educated and equipped to do a lot more than house work. They are A students. We’ve taught them to be strivers and perfectionists.

Marriage and motherhood is the opposite of striving and perfection. It’s an art. It’s an enormous skill set and mind shift.

Too often women aren’t getting the basics of living with others, much less a man. One thing that the communal living of the 60s taught us–Sharing apartments and houses with an odd assortment of people taught lots about just getting along.

Also, probably most important, you never know enough bout yourself or your man or marriage before you get into it. You can’t. Marriage is a learn-as-you-go project and the only thing to do is open yourself up and enjoy the ride.

What I wish for young women today? Joy. Love. Fearlessness. Just keep out there and look for love. Create it. Have fun with it. Play. And, when it’s right, dive right into the unknown.

Earlier this week, I ran across Stephan Miller’s blog post, “What To Do When You Forget What Romance Is” on the smartmarriage.com newsletter. He writes about how he’s sweating it, working nights and weekends, caring for the kids, never making enough, making the wrong moves.

I love [my wife] and she loves me. We both know that. But the nights of me staying up late to get a handle on work and the weekends of telling the kids, “No, daddy has to get some work done,” has done some damage to this love. I have forgotten how to bring it back.. .Plus I am paranoid. One bad day of sales and I’m Chicken Little. The next day, I spend even more time here with this stupid machine.

Oh, God. I so remember those years.

Does she understand? Yes. Do I understand what all this has done to her and to us? I tell her I do, but I am slow to learn. She is a much more patient, trusting, understanding person than I am. . .

You have to read her comment to his blog. It’s so sweet. She’s taken her older friend Juanita’s advice to expect the bad times. She blows off the “work at it” approach and goes with a “this too shall pass” philosophy. No matter how much he worries, her response is, “It’s okay. Go for it. You’re fine.”

She’s not trying to change him. She’s not on him about needing or wanting more. She appreciates his work and encourages him to keep going. She’s fine.

She knows the secret: If you just take care of yourself reasonably well and if you appreciate him for who he is and what he does, then you’ll have the ability to say the right thing. Then you’re able to speak, not from fear or anger, but from the heart and from a good feeling.

And look how he responds: “Love you too baby.”

Ah. . .

Now that’s romance.

Martin Seligman’s happiness movement, “Positive Psychology,” is popping up everywhere: Learn to think positively and optimistically, and you will experience health.Of course, Dr. Seligman is absolutely right, and his ideas are wonderful:

1. Consciously raising your mood opens your mind and expands your perspective to new possibilities.
2. Creating health is an improvement over simply treating illness.
3. You feel good when you do good for others.

But the problem is:

1. You can’t feel good when your work, health, time, money, and relationships are a mess, and you have no framework or simple process for improving it all.
2. You can’t be happy when your life is not aligned with your values, or when life has hit you so hard that you don’t even know what you value any more.
3. You can’t effectively help others if you haven’t first cared reasonably well for yourself.

Tradition has evaporated. A quagmire of so-called “expert advice” has replaced it. There’s so much to figure out in a day!

Stress is a wakeup call. When I feel it, I do the laundry and file papers. I work on what Coach U calls my “personal foundation.” When I clear the small stuff and free up my head, the big problems either go away or they become just another design challenge.

When it gets bad, I call my girlfriends. Nancy will always put it into perspective with a laugh. She always reminds me of what I know already: Happiness is only one thought away.

A post this week from Peggy, 26, who shares an apartment with my daughter and works at myspace.com

I used to try to plan everything. Make lists. Following them the letter. Anticipate outcomes. Everything that we’re taught from childhood about dealing with our lives.

In this manner, I toiled away at life, constantly worried I was making mistakes. Analyzing every potential move, and stressing when things went wrong. To make a dentist appointment, I’d consult my boss’ schedule and pick the most unobtrusive day and time — at least a month out. Inevitably, my dentist would cancel or my boss’ plans would change, and I’d end up having to wait another month for a “convenient” appointment or just going whenever there was an opening. Either way, someone would lose (usually me).

So much of my energy was spent making the perfect plans, and it always seemed to go to waste. It was unbearable. My life was pure and utter chaos.

What had I done wrong? The question plagued me. There was no order, and I had no idea where to begin to make sense of myself, my life, anything.

Finally, I gave up. My life was just too messy to be fixed.

But then, a strange thing happened: As soon as I let go of everything, it became easier somehow. So what if I couldn’t make everything right? Maybe there was no right. Or, maybe chaos and mess was right. Either way, just this understanding made it all more manageable — and actually kind of fun!

Now, each obstacle (from dentist appointments to buying a new car, changing careers, and having to find a new apartment) is just a small thing. Something to be dealt with, but not worried about. By letting things just “hang out,” they gained buoyancy. I take things as they come. I expect less, but somehow get more. My preconceptions have been replaced by my experiences. And even the “bad” ones have their upside… eventually.

LIFE IS MESSY.

It has taken me years to realize this, not to mention accept it. It’s a rare day that goes by when everything goes exactly as planned. And, really, even those days don’t happen perfectly. So, I just accepted it, and began to expect the chaos.

Why? Because chaos is a GOOD THING! It helps us live creatively, and without complacency.

Chaos is the reminder that, even when we’re at a loss, we are in control. Our old ways of doing things weren’t working, and we haven’t quite figured out the new ways yet. Enter the mess, the chaos, the uncertainty. But don’t stress about it — enjoy it. It’s all part of our creative process. It’s all part of living…