Category Archive for Love

My husband Rick/Dick and I saw Across the Universe at the movies the other night and I was struck with how very free–tortured, but free–those kids were. It was the 60s in the height of the drug years and escalaltion of the Vietnam War and the protests. They were struggling but they were struggling together. They were experimenting but they were growing. I was reminded about how it was to be young and broke again. The highs. The lows.

And I think of how it’s different now.

We fought against “The Establishment.” Kids now are the establishment and are not comfortable in it. They are changing it from the inside out. They are networked and they appreciate design. They don’t like management. They are self-motivated and they want to be guided by collectively-held values. They don’t like the constraint of roles and rules. They want to make up their own roles and rules, as they go.

We jumped into our lovelives and marriages. Young adults now are scared and tentative, worried about commitment and their futures and getting everything right. And then, when they do make the big decision, their weddings are huge fairy tale productions, girls dressed up like princesses, moving toward a Perfect Day which can only be a letdown when the Perfect Man fails to live up to the standards of the Perfect Life.

We just had our babies. Oh, with some thought into home vs. hospital births, breastfeeding, cloth vs. the new throwaway diapers–we even took childbirth classes. My mom came to help out with my first one and she really did help me. For women now, it’s a major research project. And their lists of dos and don’ts overwhelm me.

This is a generation of women who as girls were on the soccer field, who made high scores all the way through school, who are educated and equipped to do a lot more than house work. They are A students. We’ve taught them to be strivers and perfectionists.

Marriage and motherhood is the opposite of striving and perfection. It’s an art. It’s an enormous skill set and mind shift.

Too often women aren’t getting the basics of living with others, much less a man. One thing that the communal living of the 60s taught us–Sharing apartments and houses with an odd assortment of people taught lots about just getting along.

Also, probably most important, you never know enough bout yourself or your man or marriage before you get into it. You can’t. Marriage is a learn-as-you-go project and the only thing to do is open yourself up and enjoy the ride.

What I wish for young women today? Joy. Love. Fearlessness. Just keep out there and look for love. Create it. Have fun with it. Play. And, when it’s right, dive right into the unknown.

A true story from a younger friend:

I’ve been dating this guy for about 2 months, and it’s going well. But slow. The other night, we were both beat from the week and opted to do a low key dinner and see a movie. We had a really nice time, he’d picked up a bottle of wine at lunch and brought it over. After the movie, we hung out at my apartment. We talked, laughed. I’m always surprised at how easily things flow when we’re together. Then, around 2:30 in the morning, he said he had to head home.

My mind started racing with that junk thinking: Wait - what? It’s almost 3am. He lives 45 minutes away. Why wouldn’t he want to stay? What is this saying about how he feels about me?

What I should have said: “Oh, you’re leaving? That’s too bad. Well, at least I’ll be able to get up to go hiking in the morning!”

What I actually said: “No, stay!”

I whined. Completely out of character. But why wouldn’t he want to stay the night? I was surprised, tired, and caught off guard.

He said he’d stay a little longer (an immediate concession, but I missed it at the time), but he had plans for the next day, and friends were picking him up early from his house. A little while later, I walked him to the door, he kissed me goodbye and headed home.

The next day, I felt bad about the way I’d behaved. And after I’d slept and had some breakfast, his leaving didn’t feel like that big a deal at all. He’d given legitimate reasons, and he certainly hadn’t made a mad dash for the door. On the contrary, he’d kissed me a few times more, hugged me, kissed me on the forehead and said goodbye. (Romantic much?)

Who was that girl last night? Not much attractive about her! Needy, childish. Certainly not me. And poor guy! He’s never done a thing to make me think he doesn’t care. And he probably left thinking he’d messed up!

He called me 2 days later to say hi and see how the rest of my weekend went. He said he was sorry about the other night. He told me about his weekend, and explained a few things about who he is and where he was coming from, and I apologized too. And suddenly, I’m feeling very calm about the whole thing. Maybe this might actually be a good thing! Huh. Guess we’ll see.

…He also said, in addition to having to get up in the morning, that he’d been feeling “a little gassy” from dinner, and hadn’t wanted to subject me to his farts all night! I guess you really do just never know! ;-)

Earlier this week, I ran across Stephan Miller’s blog post, “What To Do When You Forget What Romance Is” on the smartmarriage.com newsletter. He writes about how he’s sweating it, working nights and weekends, caring for the kids, never making enough, making the wrong moves.

I love [my wife] and she loves me. We both know that. But the nights of me staying up late to get a handle on work and the weekends of telling the kids, “No, daddy has to get some work done,” has done some damage to this love. I have forgotten how to bring it back.. .Plus I am paranoid. One bad day of sales and I’m Chicken Little. The next day, I spend even more time here with this stupid machine.

Oh, God. I so remember those years.

Does she understand? Yes. Do I understand what all this has done to her and to us? I tell her I do, but I am slow to learn. She is a much more patient, trusting, understanding person than I am. . .

You have to read her comment to his blog. It’s so sweet. She’s taken her older friend Juanita’s advice to expect the bad times. She blows off the “work at it” approach and goes with a “this too shall pass” philosophy. No matter how much he worries, her response is, “It’s okay. Go for it. You’re fine.”

She’s not trying to change him. She’s not on him about needing or wanting more. She appreciates his work and encourages him to keep going. She’s fine.

She knows the secret: If you just take care of yourself reasonably well and if you appreciate him for who he is and what he does, then you’ll have the ability to say the right thing. Then you’re able to speak, not from fear or anger, but from the heart and from a good feeling.

And look how he responds: “Love you too baby.”

Ah. . .

Now that’s romance.

In his recent blog post Shawn has a new theory: You should marry the right divorce partner. He also said:

“The important thing to consider is that love is an ideal thing and marriage is a real thing, and that the confusion of the real and the ideal, never goes unpunished.”

Shawn’s right, but I’m going to take this last sentence apart to make his theory stronger.

1. Marriage is real, but it’s not a “thing,” it’s something you DO. I’m “marrying” in any given moment. I’m not “in a bad marriage,” I’m “marrying” poorly. I may be in a mess, but I’m creating it. So, I have a choice: I can either struggle in the mess, or I can open up and play around with different ways of doing things.
2. Love is real too: it is the feeling connected to the free flow of energy/information/matter between people. Want more? Open up!
3. It’s the space between the “real” (everyday marriage, life) and the “ideal” (love, the feeling) that can get scary for people. But, again, you have a choice: You can see it as a stressful thing–that ebb and flow of love. Or, you can see it as a design space, where change can–and does–happen. A space where you can learn to bring love back.

Confusion about love and marriage is rampant, and Shawn is right again: It never goes unpunished. The good news is that you can sort it out pretty simply:

confusion → stress → junk thinking → poor communication (or good communication of junk thinking) + fear of loss of love → marriage problems

The secret is to step back from confusion and stress. Get curious. Not angry. Not confused.

When you get fearless, creative, and ask with real openness, “What is going on?” you become the right divorce partner.

But then… What fool would want to divorce you?!

This Week: Focus on that design space. The space between the real (where you are), and the ideal (where you want to be). Play in it. Get curious about it.

Want more love? Want more fun? Want more time? Get curious. Just wondering how will make a world of difference.

Check out Chapter 8, “Don’t Work at It”, for tips on designing a great life — on purpose.

A client mentioned recently that she didn’t quite “get” systems thinking. I told her that getting systems thinking is not required, but she always wants to know more and to go deeper.

Here’s a simple explanation that might be helpful:

A basic concept in systems thinking is that, in a complex system, the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. Looking at the parts of a system won’t help to understand the whole. It’s like looking at hydrogen and oxygen to describe water. (Thanks for reminding me, David Ing!)

Universities break human experience into parts to make sense of it and to study it. This works for machines but it doesn’t work for a basic understanding complex living systems like people and relationships. I’m not saying that the different approaches are wrong. They are simply too fragmented and complicated to be helpful for everyday people. Experts are  required to sort through and interpret the complexity.

Because a systems approach asks different questions, the answers are different. Instead of looking at human experience psychologically, philosophically, spiritually, and physiologically, I ask question like: What are the processes of the self? What are the boundaries, flows, and feedbacks? What is the systemic environment?  Is the system open or closed to its environment?

A simple example is a system’s view of love.  Love can’t be defined or well described from psychological, philosophical, or religious views. A systems view provides the possibility for a very different, simple definition.

Here’s my current version of a definition of love:

Love is the inner feeling and the outward expressions associated with the flow of information, matter, and energy between people. This flow results in the bonds that form social groups like marriage and community. Love is genetic and required for our survival.

Fear, anger, jealousy, grumpiness—the negative emotions—represent a protective closing to that flow. There is only one way to increase love: Open up and increase the flow.

Prayer, meditation, martial arts, and professional training are all means of “stepping back” from protective emotions and opening up. When we open up, we can see more clearly in order to respond, and then, after responding, we can see what is working and adjust our responses.

Emotions and feelings are an inner guidance system. They are clear indicators of our current level of consciousness at any given time. Am I open and clear? Is my perspective broad? Or am I protectively closed down and reacting aggressively or fearfully?

In this simple example, I integrate emotions and awareness, physiology, spiritual/religious teachings, and sociology—the formation of social groups. This is not philosophical speculation about how the mind works or how thinking works. It is a framework and a logic that is more in sync with who we are.

Does this make sense? Is it simple enough? Or complex enough?

You can begin an exploration of systems thinking at the site of the International Society for Systems Science . I posted this entry on my Amazon Connect blog. This week I’ll make an Amazon book list for systems thinking.

If anyone has any favorite recommendations for the list, I’d appreciate suggestions!