Category Archive for Relationships & Marriage

I was looking through blogs, thinking about what to write about this week and I saw Liz Rizzo’s post headlined on blogher.com:  Separation Anxiety–What Am I, 5? Interesting that Blogher, with all its issues and topics, chooses this post as a headliner.

Liz writes that she is irrationally anxious not being with her boyfriend. He calls every day when he says that he will. But she misses him. They don’t get together for a week at a stretch.

I wondered, is this a classic case of “he’s just not into her”?  Because when a man really cares for a woman, he doesn’t let a week go by.  He just doesn’t.

Needing a male perspective on this, I read the post to my husband. I asked, “If a guy cares for a woman, does he let a week go by without seeing her?”

My husband answered, “Nah. Dump him. He’s a loser.”

I said, “But he calls her every day.”

My husband looked at me like I was an idiot.

Maybe it’s not you, Liz. If it doesn’t feel right, maybe it isn’t.

I keep thinking about writing a change manifesto for changethis.com.

Something about marriage. About committing to the design of a great life rather than to an institution. About how marriage is something that you do, that you are creating in the moment, not a thing that is good or bad and that needs to be fixed.

Something about how  it’s not how much you know when you go into it, but how open you are to learning. How it takes fearlessness. How it’s not about compromise as much as it is about taking on different realities. How it grows you and you grow it. How marriage is a complex system formed from two complex systems and exhibits the processes, all of the beauty and messes, of every complex evolving system in nature. How, when it all goes wrong, often it isn’t a problem of distance–It’s a problem of being too close, too bonded to see and to grow. How stepping back from it can feel like breaking the bonds but it’s what you have to do to get it right.  About how one little shift from one of you can change everything and big emotionall-charged attempts will change nothing. About how real growth can involve breakdown and chaos before the emergence to the next level. How it can involve risking everything–all that you’ve built together.

Marriage is a learning space and a design space for life. It’s a space to come in to, lick one’s wounds, and go out from again. But also a place where you can practice all of the skills you’re going to need on the outside with someone who is on your side–or not. It’s a space to learn what love and family and life really is and can be.

Why is this important?  The processes of the complex system of marriage are the same processes in family, community, nations, the world.

This kind of marriage is complex but it’s exciting. With a few basic ideas in place, marriage becomes the very best game going.

I think that I will write this proposal for a manifesto. Any thoughts?

It’s raining and it’s so dark that I have lights on in the afternoon. Weird in Hawaii!  I drank hot jasmine tea and have a great working buzz going.
I’m reminded of a story that I’ve been using a lot recently that was one of the inspirations for Men Are Easy:

For a while, twenty-five years ago, every Saturday morning, my husband and I argued. I would cry. By noon it was over and we both forgot about it until it happened again the next week.  One Saturday the arguing seemed particularly vicious. In a moment of clarity, I said, “This is it. We have to go to counseling.”

It seemed to be the smart thing. Nip this in the bud before it gets worse.

Then I had a flash of insight. From Monday through Friday my husband drank 3 to 4 cups of strong coffee. I don’t drink coffee. He’s an addict. I fixed him a cup and the fighting disappeared.

The frightening thought is that I could have forced us into counseling. I would have been doing the “right” and “responsible” thing. I would have insisted on exploring he said/I said and unearthing our past faults and family horrors, and  he would have been “in denial” about anything being wrong.

I would have appeared to be right and he would have been made all wrong.

I wonder. . . Would we still be together today?

My husband Rick/Dick and I saw Across the Universe at the movies the other night and I was struck with how very free–tortured, but free–those kids were. It was the 60s in the height of the drug years and escalaltion of the Vietnam War and the protests. They were struggling but they were struggling together. They were experimenting but they were growing. I was reminded about how it was to be young and broke again. The highs. The lows.

And I think of how it’s different now.

We fought against “The Establishment.” Kids now are the establishment and are not comfortable in it. They are changing it from the inside out. They are networked and they appreciate design. They don’t like management. They are self-motivated and they want to be guided by collectively-held values. They don’t like the constraint of roles and rules. They want to make up their own roles and rules, as they go.

We jumped into our lovelives and marriages. Young adults now are scared and tentative, worried about commitment and their futures and getting everything right. And then, when they do make the big decision, their weddings are huge fairy tale productions, girls dressed up like princesses, moving toward a Perfect Day which can only be a letdown when the Perfect Man fails to live up to the standards of the Perfect Life.

We just had our babies. Oh, with some thought into home vs. hospital births, breastfeeding, cloth vs. the new throwaway diapers–we even took childbirth classes. My mom came to help out with my first one and she really did help me. For women now, it’s a major research project. And their lists of dos and don’ts overwhelm me.

This is a generation of women who as girls were on the soccer field, who made high scores all the way through school, who are educated and equipped to do a lot more than house work. They are A students. We’ve taught them to be strivers and perfectionists.

Marriage and motherhood is the opposite of striving and perfection. It’s an art. It’s an enormous skill set and mind shift.

Too often women aren’t getting the basics of living with others, much less a man. One thing that the communal living of the 60s taught us–Sharing apartments and houses with an odd assortment of people taught lots about just getting along.

Also, probably most important, you never know enough bout yourself or your man or marriage before you get into it. You can’t. Marriage is a learn-as-you-go project and the only thing to do is open yourself up and enjoy the ride.

What I wish for young women today? Joy. Love. Fearlessness. Just keep out there and look for love. Create it. Have fun with it. Play. And, when it’s right, dive right into the unknown.

A true story from a younger friend:

I’ve been dating this guy for about 2 months, and it’s going well. But slow. The other night, we were both beat from the week and opted to do a low key dinner and see a movie. We had a really nice time, he’d picked up a bottle of wine at lunch and brought it over. After the movie, we hung out at my apartment. We talked, laughed. I’m always surprised at how easily things flow when we’re together. Then, around 2:30 in the morning, he said he had to head home.

My mind started racing with that junk thinking: Wait - what? It’s almost 3am. He lives 45 minutes away. Why wouldn’t he want to stay? What is this saying about how he feels about me?

What I should have said: “Oh, you’re leaving? That’s too bad. Well, at least I’ll be able to get up to go hiking in the morning!”

What I actually said: “No, stay!”

I whined. Completely out of character. But why wouldn’t he want to stay the night? I was surprised, tired, and caught off guard.

He said he’d stay a little longer (an immediate concession, but I missed it at the time), but he had plans for the next day, and friends were picking him up early from his house. A little while later, I walked him to the door, he kissed me goodbye and headed home.

The next day, I felt bad about the way I’d behaved. And after I’d slept and had some breakfast, his leaving didn’t feel like that big a deal at all. He’d given legitimate reasons, and he certainly hadn’t made a mad dash for the door. On the contrary, he’d kissed me a few times more, hugged me, kissed me on the forehead and said goodbye. (Romantic much?)

Who was that girl last night? Not much attractive about her! Needy, childish. Certainly not me. And poor guy! He’s never done a thing to make me think he doesn’t care. And he probably left thinking he’d messed up!

He called me 2 days later to say hi and see how the rest of my weekend went. He said he was sorry about the other night. He told me about his weekend, and explained a few things about who he is and where he was coming from, and I apologized too. And suddenly, I’m feeling very calm about the whole thing. Maybe this might actually be a good thing! Huh. Guess we’ll see.

…He also said, in addition to having to get up in the morning, that he’d been feeling “a little gassy” from dinner, and hadn’t wanted to subject me to his farts all night! I guess you really do just never know! ;-)