Category Archive for Relationships & Marriage

According to a NY Times article and a study on PubMed, women who “self-silence” during arguments significantly increase their risk for heart disease. Men don’t. They can suppress feelings and not suffer health effects at all.

Maybe it’s because men “fight and fly” when stressed. We women “tend and befriend.” We need to talk and bond. When we women feel cut off, we stress out.

Another, more general, explanation may be that closed systems fail to thrive. When living systems are cut off from the free flow of information, matter, and/or energy with their environments, they can’t get the proper feedback to regulate themselves.

The NY Times’ Well blog gives the four signs of bottling up from Dr. Dana Jack’s book Silencing the Self: Women and Depression:
1. I don’t speak my feelings in an intimate relationship when I know they will cause disagreement.
2. Caring means putting the other’s person’s needs in front of my own.
3. Often I look happy enough on the outside, but inwardly I feel angry and rebellious.
4. I often feel responsible for other people’s feelings.

Men simply don’t have these issues. Men are emotionally wired differently. They can’t mix information and information very well. They aren’t quite so sensitive and tuned in. Just read some of the literature on babies and mothers and their intense interactions. Brain development happens in both the mother and infant. Women teach babies how to soothe themselves, to self-soothe. The infant’s social brain develops in interaction with the mother via the more primitive emotional brain. We are all about making peace and putting their needs first.
What do you do when you realize that bottling your feelings up will make you sick but when also know that saying what you feel will make the whole thing worse?

Practice opening up in the face of threat. Note the anger and then get curious. Treat it like martial arts or like walking meditation. Take very good care of yourself first so that you can do this–It’s difficult to get on top of anything when you’re tired and hungry.

My husband and I will get into spats. And I wrote the book. Then, of course, he’ll remind me. It’s infuriating. But behind it all we know we know that we’re okay.

Bottled up feelings are not good. A closed system is always self-destructive. Always. The secret is to learn to open yourself in the face of threat. To see the whole process for what it is–a momentary insanity. If you can’t do it yourself, then do it with a very good therapist. When you get this down, life with men at home and at work is so much easier.

I ran into an artist friend of mine the other day, who reminded me of a very good tip from Alanon:

When you’re losing it, when you snap at someone, or when life seems hopeless,
remember to HALT — Stop and ask, “Am I Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired?

Maybe the problem isn’t your partner or your life. Maybe it’s just time to get those needs met.

I googled HALT and found it in a blog post by a recently widowed mother of twin toddlers. Wow. When wouldn’t she be hungry, angry, lonely, and/or tired? She put it all into perspective. Despite the tragic loss of their father, lucky twins to have her as a mom.

I watched the first episode of this show twice. The first time, I called my husband in (”You’ve got to see this!”), and we had to replay the hand job scene (”Was that real?”). When I watched the show again, it wasn’t because it was so interesting to me, but because I was trying to determine my response to it…

These characters are not likable — they can barely crack a smile! Where is the humor? Where are their friends? They all seem to have an enormous amount of time on their hands — and use it to wallow in their misery.

The young engaged couple have sex in a parked car, on a public street, in broad daylight. She shows a hint of relief afterwards (they’ve been fighting), but that’s it. There’s not even a glint in his eye.

The woman trying to get pregnant is frowning and tough when she gives her husband a hand job. The only laugh (albeit, a small one) in the entire episode was after they had sex in a bedroom on someone’s expensive brown comforter during a dinner party while people were talking in the next room.

The middle class, educated woman suffering from her husband’s sexual disinterest mopes and whines about it a bit. Then, when he blows her off, she whimpers and sneaks off to a therapist. There’s no taking action: no Googling “male sexual problems”; no calling her girlfriends. We’ll have to wait and see what he’s all about. For all we know, he’s gay and keeping the family going in quiet desperation. Then again, maybe he simply has low testosterone and needs a pill. Or, he could have some other deep, dark secret.

Guess we’ll see — if we care enough.

What was even more shocking to me than the sexual voyeurism was the therapeutic voyeurism. Victims of their own shame and pride, the characters continually lie to the therapist, to each other, and to themselves. While it could be funny, the result is just sad and depressing.

I would hope we’ll watch these couples bloom under Jane Alexander’s therapeutic care, but after seeing episode 2, I’m not optimistic. At the rate they’re going, these couples will grow to be like Jane and her husband. So urbane. So very wise. So very, very serious.
The very real, far-from-perfect couples interviewed after the show laughed and poked fun at each other. They had great facial expressions of disbelief, disgust, and irony. You can bet those women talk with their girlfriends.

One flat, angst-ridden couple would be fine, but all three? Come on, HBO. Where’s the life?
Is everyone who wrote, produced, and directed this program on medication?

Earlier this week, I ran across Stephan Miller’s blog post, “What To Do When You Forget What Romance Is” on the smartmarriage.com newsletter. He writes about how he’s sweating it, working nights and weekends, caring for the kids, never making enough, making the wrong moves.

I love [my wife] and she loves me. We both know that. But the nights of me staying up late to get a handle on work and the weekends of telling the kids, “No, daddy has to get some work done,” has done some damage to this love. I have forgotten how to bring it back.. .Plus I am paranoid. One bad day of sales and I’m Chicken Little. The next day, I spend even more time here with this stupid machine.

Oh, God. I so remember those years.

Does she understand? Yes. Do I understand what all this has done to her and to us? I tell her I do, but I am slow to learn. She is a much more patient, trusting, understanding person than I am. . .

You have to read her comment to his blog. It’s so sweet. She’s taken her older friend Juanita’s advice to expect the bad times. She blows off the “work at it” approach and goes with a “this too shall pass” philosophy. No matter how much he worries, her response is, “It’s okay. Go for it. You’re fine.”

She’s not trying to change him. She’s not on him about needing or wanting more. She appreciates his work and encourages him to keep going. She’s fine.

She knows the secret: If you just take care of yourself reasonably well and if you appreciate him for who he is and what he does, then you’ll have the ability to say the right thing. Then you’re able to speak, not from fear or anger, but from the heart and from a good feeling.

And look how he responds: “Love you too baby.”

Ah. . .

Now that’s romance.

I got this email a couple of days ago:

Hi, just started reading your book and hoping to put it into practice. Recently got back with my husband after splitting up for about a year, he moved in with another woman & admitted to a previous affair when our daughter was only 1. Any tips on how I can learn to trust him? I’m doing ok but find myself thinking negative thoughts about nearly everything he does or says. Also not convinced he is not still in contact with the woman he moved in with as he is very guarded with his mobile phone!

Here’s my advice:

How can you expect to trust him when he’s burned you twice and he’s being squirrelly about his cell? However, he is with you, not the other woman, and you have a daughter together.

Maybe he thrives on the thrill of affairs or maybe he needs a deeper connection with you.

He’s on probation right now.

Focus on yourself and your life for a while. Take very good care of yourself and your needs. Eat well, exercise, organize your home, clean out your closets, eliminate stress at work, get your money in order, and care for your daughter. Increase the quality of your life.

Say to him clearly and without anger, “If this marriage is going to work, I have to take care of myself right now. I’m not so sure about you yet.”

With your basic needs met, it’s easier to outline what you want in a relationship. When you have it straight and can be very clear, tell him: “I require honesty. I require connection.” Or whatever you determine you want. Then, be the change you want to see. Get honest. Connect.

There’s risk to this. He may want what you want or he may not. Maybe he isn’t the man for you for the long run. Maybe he is. In the process of being open and clear, you will learn about him, yourself, and your marriage.

You don’t have to do this alone. A very good marriage and family counselor can help you both through these difficult times. Don’t be afraid to shop around until you find someone who feels right.

You’re asking the right questions! Keep us all posted!